the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
