is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
