he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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