your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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