I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
