You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
