she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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