worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
