sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
