i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
