I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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