No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
