dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well I can't set my house on fire every night
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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