Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
