Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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