Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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