First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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