so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
