Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
