My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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