He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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