1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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