didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
