When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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