I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
