I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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