That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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