got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
