Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
