I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
