I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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