I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
