Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Apparently you make a good broom.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
