When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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