he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
