Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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