I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
