oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
