I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
