We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
