just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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