No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
