Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
