The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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