Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
