You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
