yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
