life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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