I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
