She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she smelled like a LAN party
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
