i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
