he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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