in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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